June 11, 2020

Your takeout spending is wild

Slowly but surely, normality is rearing its head into this whole pandemic thing. As much as you might feel ready to get back to things, you’ve made some strong relationships in the last few months. Seriously strong, like your HUGE commitment to food delivery strong. Consider this an ode to your takeout spending as you move on to the next chapter of your life. Restaurants.

You had a lot of quality time with Pizza. On the couch, in bed, waved around in your right hand as you danced to Drake and flung tomato sauce at your walls. Papa John’s was your MVP, with a sexy 30.95% increase in spending since February. But let’s not forget the side-hoes that came through consistently, with Pizza Hut seeing a 23.45% increase and Dominos 16.55%.

Now, here’s where the numbers jump and you've collectively made some truly sweeping spending gestures. Others might say you have a bit of a problem with committing, but we’re gonna say you’re simply versatile – you absolutely LOVED your food marketplaces. Postmates saw a 66.14% increase and Grubhub 71%.

If we break down exactly where you’re all spending, Doordash comes in at number 11. That’s number 11 out of EvErY SiNgLe outlet you’re using. Respect.

Not only that, but it’s seen a 132% increase in spending since February. This isn’t gonna be an easy break up. You’re probably not gonna delete their number (site) just in case you have a dream about them that inflicts a sudden change of heart or something.

The biggest relationship you made though, the one you’re gonna have to go cold-turkey on and b*tch to your friends about if you stand a chance at returning to restaurant life, is Uber Eats, with a huge 324% increase. Let us NEVER forget (after the next few months where we need to forget in order to move on).

To finish up, it comes at no surprise that all of that salty takeout had you feeling thirsty, with OnlyFans coming in consistently with an impressive (but honestly assumed at this point) 314% increase since February. Glad to see you’re all washing it all down nicely.

Wonder how much of this was down to you. Go and ask Cleo how much you've spent on eating out recently. If you don't want to know, you can instead confess your guilt to us and we'll either support you, roast you, or both.

Spending

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ERIN DOES MONEY: Erin is a comedy writer and actress living in Queens, New York. This is her doing money.

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